Destress after a long work week?

Emotions reality check!

Understanding your Feelings Workshop.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2010

Anger

Many people assume that anger is bad, especially anger that can cause damage or death. In actuality, there is no good or bad in all the feelings that we feel. But, what we do when we feel something will either be beneficial or not for us and those around us. Our feeling is like a compass it only gives us the emotional signal that we are experiencing and highlighting that we need to solve it. When we feel something that we do not like, we often start feeling uncomfortable, we can start to feel the changes in body temperature, pulse rate and some could even feel like that heart could ‘disconnect’ from the body. I often meet clients who say that as a child, they were not allowed or will be punished if they showed anger. Often, the punishment is a beating or other act of violence. As a result, they often repressed their anger, especially when that anger is against a person who has authority such as mother, father, teachers and others. This can make matters worse because according to Freud’s theory on 'defense mechanisms', the repressed anger could manifest abnormally and could also be transferred to someone who is perceived to be smaller or weaker. I had a client who is soft spoken and very polite. He has problems focusing on his studies and did not have confidence in himself. Several sessions with him showed that my client has a lot of latent anger. All the anger was disturbing his mind and he had also started doing the things that can be harmful to him. Every time he felt angry, he'll do something he considered morally forbidden. This was my client’s attempt at distracting himself from his anger, feelings of rage would disappear for a while. But he will feel angry again whenever he thinks about the event. These actions affect him as when the feelings of rage subsided, he felt extreme remorse. As a result, he lost his confidence and his focus on education declined because he believed that he will not get success. Usually we do not understand why we feel angry. What we do not understand could become the barrier for us to overcome the feeling. There are several reasons why there could be anger. One of the reasons is most times when we’re feeling tired, anything that is uncomfortable or unpleasant could trigger anger. Secondly, anger could also be due to rigidity in the way we think or stubbornness. Fear or uncertainty is another trigger for anger and finally the feeling of unfairness. We need to determine which factor has caused such outrage. For example, one reason my client suppressed his feelings of rage was because at home, he was often scolded when his sibling cried or when he showed emotions. In school he was scolded when the classroom became noisy and uncontrolled. If he knew that his anger is because of feelings of injustice, he could probably manage his anger instead of repressing it. First, he should do a reality check, is the situation really not fair? If what happened was not really unfair because of his role in the situation, the anger will be decreased or subside. But if there is unfairness, then he should get fairness, one challenge is how to get justice. Usually the first step is to talk or express our views why we feel injustice has occurred. But if we have done everything and the same thing happens again and there is no way for us to get justice, the last step is to give forgiveness. When we forgive the person, it is not for them but for ourselves. When we forgive someone, we release ourselves from the chains and the fire of anger that will burn and destroy. Usually people who make us angry have already forgotten the incident, but if we let the anger fester, we are imprisoned by our own feelings. In turn this could impede the success that we deserve, because we will always be reminded about the things that made us angry, hence our focus and attention on more important matters decreased. Therefore, we always have the option to continue to be imprisoned or free from anger. (Source book "The Secret Language of Feelings" - Calvin Banyan D)

Our clients' feedback:

My perception is understanding our feelings is able to improve our life and helps to solve whatever problem one face.- A.C, Singapore

A very good exercise to help us to deal with stressful situation- C.W, Singapore

Very good exercise and workshop is very successful. Will suggest it to my Chairman to recommend it to others.- T.K.L, Singapore

Do reality check on negative emotion and analyse. And we do not feel too bad after all.- C, Singapore

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